Lapdancing 101 – The Stripionary
So you want to know how to be a stripper? Talk like one! There are a lot of words and phrases we use that are confusing, until you know what they mean. This is a short glossary.
About the Money
Tip Out – How much we have to pay the housemum, DJ, Bouncers, Bartenders, Waitresses, Doorguys, etc., to work. Sometimes it’s a set fee (£10 minimum to housemum and DJ, £5 minimum to everyone else). Other times it’s a percentage system, which can get pretty weird (10% to the DJ and another 10% divided between everyone else, or upto 30% divided between everyone, but the manager gets a minimum of 3). In reality, most strippers have a disdain for rules.
We tip out the people who help us make money, or the people who could help us make money, really well. Everyone else we give the minimum, unless they can get us fired or we need them to stick up for us in a stripper power struggle (”she sucks cock for five quid!” “oh yeah?! she snorts coke off the toilet seat, I saw her!” A trusted waitress can be your best ally in these situations).
Stage/house fee – What we pay the club to walk in the door and work. Sometimes we pay it at the beginning of the night, sometimes at the end of the night. Sometimes it’s a flat fee, sometimes it’s different depending on what time you get there, or how many dances you sell.
Club cut – When the club takes a cut of your dance money. It’s normal for champagne rooms, but if you’re paying out for lap dances you’re getting screwed.
About the Customers
Club Regular - He comes in all the time. So much that he either doesn’t spend much money, or wants to play mind games for the money. Proceed with caution and don’t waste too much time.
My Regular – Usually means “back the fuck off, bitches.” But fuck that, customers are free agents and if he wants to spend his money on you, she can’t stop him. But you do (probably) have to continue to work with her for the rest of the night, or the week, or forever.
Her Regular – He’s a good customer. It would be rude to hustle the fuck out of him, but you know if he likes you he’ll spend.
PL – Pathetic loser. He doesn’t understand the boundaries of the club relationship. Maybe he thinks he’s dating his favourite dancer. Maybe he’s brought her a ring. He probably throws fits when she spends time with other customers. Possibly he’ll stalk her. These guys aren’t worth the money at all, in my opinion.
Ball Buster – He wants you to kick him in the balls. Hard. Yeah, really. (Ball buster actually should be used to refer to the stripper doing the ball busting, but we use it for customers anyways).
Lapdance Virgin – He’s about to have his whole world rocked. Like, wow. Naked girls that sit in your laps for £20/song. Amazing.
Captain Sav-a-Ho – He’s here to save us from the horrors of stripping. He thinks we seem really smart and he bets that we could even get a real job. You know, he just see’s so much potential in us he doesn’t understand why we’re degrading ourselves this way.
He’ll piss you off and bring your mood down, so just ignore him. Unless your in the mood to fuck with his head back.
White Knight – See above.
Hustling Techniques
Hit ‘n Run - “Hi, I’m Sam, and I want to dance for you now!” “Hi, I’m Sam, let’s go have some fun!” “Hi, I’m Sam
Wanna dance – See above.
The Talking Hustle – We’re, like, miniature soulmates. We’ll fall in pseudo love and spend hours in the champagne room eating strawberries and whipped cream and getting drunk on expensive champagne. You can’t do that on “wannadance.” Or not very often. I miss it. 
“Fucked in the Champagne Room” – He said he wanted to be fucked in the champagne room, so she took his money and had him kicked out when he tried to touch her. Yep, he got fucked. Ladies, please refrain from this. It’s not cool. Unless he really, really, really deserves it.
Hard Hustle – You know, like that time you were practically forced to buy the weird carpet cleaner at the market. Except it’s a lapdance.
Strippers
Lifer – This is our career. We are not doing this to put ourselves through school, save up a deposit for a house, or support our volunteer work until we can get a great job. We don’t want a real job.
Subsistence Strippers – You see them once a month, crying in the dressing room because the rent is due tomorrow and they haven’t made it yet tonight. They mysteriously manage to subsist on nothing in between nights they work for their rent and car payment.
Super Stripper – She’s this redhead with huge boobs and a tiny waist that can go anywhere and totally bank. Plus she’s always at work on time, always works every day, and is super smart.
